and its all down hill from here
by maan
Summary: au,slash,ryan/? Will the team ever accept Ryan? What are Ryan's secrets? A look at Ryan's first year as a csi
1. Chapter 1

chapter 1

Ryan inhaled deepley end pushed open the door to the breakroom. Instantly the chatter he had heared from the hallway stopped. He entered the room in complete silence. He could feel the eyes of his so called colleges on him. Slowly he exhailed between his clenched theeth. He made himself a cup of tea and sat in the corner opposite from Calleigh and Eric. Some days he had the strenght to force them to accept his presence. Today he did he got as much space between them as possible. He opened his book and tried to concentrate.

Eric got up and gathered the remains of his lunch.

"your going already? "Calleigh asked."we've got 10 minutes left"

Eric shrugged "I've seem to have lost my appetite "

and then he left.

Ryan watched his retreating back, he breafly closed his eyes and rubbed his temple's with one hand.

Well atleast he could eat his lunch without the smothering tention in the room

An hour later he was met with the same tention when he entered the motorpool. He was send out on a double homicide by Horatio...with ofcourse Eric.

Without a word he got in the car. Eric started the car and drove off before Ryan was able to belt his buckle.

"Geez man give me a second will you? " he shouted when his head amost collided with the dashboard.

"i've been waiting for ten minutes Wolfe, i don't know how things are for cops but we CSI's are expected to react on a call asap."

Ryan was just about to tell Delko that he had been up to his ears in ballistics gell when he got the call and had to clean up to...when he reconsidered. He was not up to it..not today...not on their anniversery.

Sometimes he wondered how long this would continue. Who would break first. Seeing the odds it would probely be him. Atleast that was what they all expected. Well then they didn't know him yet. He had a million reasons to stick with this job. He was not, ever, no way in hell going to quit this job. He needed his job.

After working the double homicide for 6 hours with Eric he was thinking a bit differently about it. His head ached and he was sticky from working underneath the burning they wrapped the case up quickly. And now he was heading to the locker room,and then home...finally.

He was so weary and tired that he almost collided with Horatio in the hallway.

"ssorry H i didn't see you there"

"thats oke, i heared you and Eric catched the perp"

"yes we did, it was the nephew...left enough dna behind to get a conviction"

"good work mr Wolfe"

"thank you H "

but somehow the praise didn't mean that much to Ryan. The 'mr Wolfe' had killed all the joy and pride he felt at the compliment. Although Horatio was always pollite and friendly towards him he apperently couldn't bring himself to call Ryan by his first name. An other reminder that they didn't want him. That he didn't really belong.

Ryan had arrived at his locker. The dingie, broken locker.

As he opened it with the usual bang on the door he saw the drawing on the insite of his door. His hart made a little bum as it always did.

It was a tippical drawing of a 7 year old. Of two man and a little girl in front of a big blue house. A tiny smile formed on Ryan's lips.

This was the reason he put up with all of this


	2. Chapter 2

Ryan fished the key out of his pocket opened he door. The house was empty even more empty then it had been befor the last 6 months...Sarah had a sleepover at her nanna's. Ryan had known it would be a hard day for him. He didn't want his daughter to ever see him in this state. Normally he had a good grip on his OCD....normally, he mused things hadn't been normal since....since he had died.

Automatically he got out a bucket, rubbergloves and a bottle of bleach.

It would have been six years, six years to the day they first met. And six months,4 days, and 12 hours since they last kissed.

Ryan felt the tears running down his face. Before his death he had thought he was incapable of crying...boy had he been wrong.

Ryan snapped on the gloves and started cleaning.

He let go...the iron hold on his compulsions. He had to clean, clean and clean.

It was 7 in the morning when he stopped. Edna would be bringing Sara over any minute now. Ryan always made sure he saw his little girl before he went to work.

When he put the cleaning suplies away he noticed his hands. He had blisters all over his knockles from the repeated movement of scrubbing.

They stung when he held his hands under the tab.

The doorbell rang. And suddenly he had his arms full off 7 year old girl.

"daddy i'm home"

" i had a hunch"he replied dryly and hugged his daughter tightly.

'good morning Ryan " said the middle aged woman who had entered the house behind his daugher in a more sedative pase.

"good morning Edna"

"how many times do i have to tell you tocall me mum Ryan? "

Ryan blushed and looked to the ground. The spottles ground.

Something that didn't go by Edna unnoticed.

"Sarah why don't you go get your things for school ready "

"yes nanna'

when she had skipped her way in to her own bedroom Edna looked at Ryan sceptically.

"did you sleep at all? "

Ryan shrugged.

"i'll take that as a no"

" just once, really and Sarah wasn't here, really i..."

"shush Ryan, i'm not blaming you...everybody has there own way of cooping. Yours i just a little more hygenic then others."she sighted.

Before her son had brought Ryan home she hadn't known much about OCD. Now, 6 years later she was an expert.

"o honn, wish there was something i could do for you"

Ryan blushed again.

"you do, you do i would never be able to take care of Sarah without yor help, you know that"

Edna nodded. "but i want you to be happy again"

Ryan shook his head. " i don't think thats possible for me anymore mum, all i can strive for now is content and even that seems an impossibility right now "

Edna wanted to hug him but she knew Ryan. After his OCD has reared his ugly head he was skittish with human contact. It would pass it always did.

Only Sarah and her late son were able to touch Ryan when he was like this....her son. He would have....no use going there she scolded herself.

Sarah skipped back in the kitchen.

"daddy i want two braids to school today"

Obiediently Ryan started braiding her hair.


	3. Chapter 3

Eric saw Ryan pull into the parkinglot.

He was wearing one off his godawfull sweatervests again. This one was bright green. It brought out Ryan's big beautifull eyes. O how he hated that guy....the Speed wannabe. And ton top of that he has the nerve to be attractive.

Eric looked at Ryan as he entered the building . He did seem a bit pale in the bright Miami sunn. And there were dark smudges under his eyes....didn't he sleep?

Angry Eric surpressed his concern. Oh no he was not letting this guy make him care. There was no way in hell he was going to care about this geek.

A few hours later Ryan entered the morgue. "what have you got for me Alexx? "

She gave him one of her iciest stares and walked over to the table.

"isn't this Calleigh's case? "

"she got called out so i'm taking over"

"must be my luckey day "Alexx mummbled.

Ryan clenched his fists. Not wanting to show that they got to him

"this baby girl got beaten to death with a blund object"

Carefully almost as a carres Alexx removed a lock of hair from the victems forhead.

Isn't it ironic that the corpses get better threatment then me Ryan thought.

He moved closer to look at the wound when Alexx grabbed his hand in an iron grib.

"what the hell are you doing mr CSI?, touching a db when you have open wounds on your hands."

Startled Ryan tried to snatch his hand away from her. But she held on to him.

" you could have contaminated the evidence,ruining an investigation. You would have been responsibble for letting a murderer go free"

Ryan twisted his hand trying desperate to remove it. He didn want her to touch him. He could almost feel her anger seeping through her skin in to his.

"let me go!"

he yelled and used his other hand to push Alexx away

Finally he was free.

But his sudden move had enraged Alexx even more. Ryan had pushed her hard and she has to take an extra step back to avoid falling down.

"Sssorry "Ryan stuttered shocked

"sorry, your sorry ? "Alexx yelled "you better be. Your never going to be a good CSI Your never going to be Speed"

That did it.

Suddenly a hot anger welled up in Ryan's stomach.

"do you think i want to be!"

he yelled.

"who the fuck do you people think you are? Do you think you have a monopoly on grieve? Do you think your the only one that ever lost someone? Does grieve give you the right to make other people's live a living hell?" and Ryan turned and left the morgue.

Leaving a stunned Alexx behind.


	4. Chapter 4

When Ryan had left her standing in the morgue Alexx had a long hard look at herself.

And she didn't particulairly like what she saw. The Ryan she has seen in the morgue had been a real person. Nothing like the cartoonlike creature she had wanted to see.

It still hurt to think of Speed. And Ryan had been a constant reminder that Speed wasn't there anymore.

Unconsiously she had blamed Ryan for Speeds dead.

But it was no excuse. She had been mean and spitefull.

She felt guilty. What would Speed have said if he saw her like this.

Speed would have liked Ryan she thought...well maybe, she didn't actually know Ryan. But he was the type of guy that Speed would fall for.

Bruskly she wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve.

She had to go and appologize to Ryan.

Frustrated Alexx stepped in her car 4 hours later. She hadn't been able to locate Ryan. When she finally asked Horatio he told her that Ryan had taken up some sick leave.

He hadn't looked that good this morning Alexx thought. So in a way it might have been the truth.

She sighted. And pressed speeddial.

"hey Honney"

"no nothing wrong...well not exactly..i hurt someone..."

"well it actually was intentionally....i will tell you about when i get home oke? "

"i will be a bit later , i need sometime to clear my head...give the kids a big kiss from me"

"love you too"

When she put the phone in the passanger seat she suddenly knew what she had to do.

A few minutes later she pulled up to the graveyeard were Speed was burried

As she walked over the green hills towards Speed's head stone she noticed some on on the bench under neath the tree that sheltered a few graves, including Speeds.

Judging by his back it was a young man. How sad to have lost someone at that age.

Suddenly her hart stopped for a second. She knew that back, that sweatervest. She had been looking for that person the whole afternoon.

So he had been talking about himself. He had lost someone too.

Alexx could just slap herself. She took a deep breath and walked closer.

"Ryan...? "

Ryan looked up. He briefly closed his eyes and sighted.

Then he smiled a bit. "hello Alexx"

Encouraged by his demeanor she sat down next to him.

"who did you lose Honney? "

Ryan bit his lip and stared towards the headstones.

"the love of my live"he voice cracked and he scrapped his throught.

Alexx felt her he insites clench together in sympathy. He looked so lost.

"ow baby, i'm so sorry"

Ryan just nodded.

"Ryan , i need to appologize. The way i've been threating you it was wrong...very wrong. You reminded me of Speed and i took that out on you. Thats not an excuse i should..."

"its oke Alexx"Ryan interupted.

"i know grieve can make you act differently"

"oh Ryan, i really am sorry"

"its oke Alexx, really"and he got up from the bench.

"i don't need for you to like me..." he said looking at her shoes" Just a friendly working relationship thats all "

He rubbed the back of his head.

"look i need to go...i will see you at work tomorrow"

Alexx nodded.

"see you tomorrow"

"bey"

"bey"

Alexx sat there for a few more minutes after Ryan went.

Ryan needed a friend. Wether he like it or not he would have one in Alexx. And not a friendship out of guilt. No, she was going to genually like Ryan.

She already had his forgiving nature to admire,

Happy with her decision and at peace with herself she got up and walked over to the grave stones.

"hey Speed baby, how are you doing today? "

Curiously she looked at the graves next to Speed's. Wich one was the grave Ryan had visited?.

Anna Webster had been 87 when she died. She couldn't have been Ryans wfe. Michael Bax, no, David Jannsens, no. The grave behind Speed's was probebly it. Miranda Pacinni she had died a few months ago, she would have turned 29 this week.

"i'm sorry Miranda"Alexx whispered." ï'm going to look after him for you from now on"


	5. Chapter 5

Ryan was greeted at the door by the delicious smell of fresh baked

cookies.

"Daddy! Nana and I baked cookies!"

"They smell delicious honey."

"Look, I made these especially for you."

Ryan looked down to see a plate with two ridiculously large cookies.

"Wow honey they look great, but they are awfully big"

"Yes, I made them extra big because you don't eat enough daddy."

Ryan smiled. Sarah was too damn observant.

"She's right you know," Edna added. "You've lost some weight."

Later that evening he watched his little girl sleep from the doorway of

her room.

Her blond hair was a big mess on the pillow, her left knee laying under her tummy and her right leg hanging loosely over the side of her bed.

They used to laugh at this...watching their daughter sleep in the strangest

positions possible.

Ryan smiled. Somewhere deep down he found a little joy.

He could still laugh with their daughter. He could still love her and enjoy spending time with

her.

Life went on and he and Sarah were going to make it.

He was going to

give Sarah the best childhood possible.

She was his reason to live.


	6. Chapter 6

A few weeks later Ryan entered the lab feeling better then he had in

months.

Sarah had landed the leading role in the school play. He felt like he would burst with pride. She was of course very talented.

And he wasn't even a tiny bit biased. No, Sarah was just incredibly special.

Work had been better lately.

Alexx seemed to go out of her way to be

nice to him.

At first it had freaked him out a little. She was a very intense

person. But now he was actually starting to like her.

He whistled as he entered the locker room. Of course all conversation stopped abrubtly but today he really didn't care.

He went to his locker to change and glanced at the locker next to his, still marked Timothy Speedle.

He shook his head and opened his own locker. It had finally been repaired. Something he was very grateful for. He suspected Alexx had a hand in that.

Horatio popped his head through the door.

"Calleigh, Ryan, I need you two to go down to the marina, a body washed up on the

pier."

"Will do," Calleigh responded cheerfully.

Ryan grabbed his kit and walked out behind Calleigh.

Yes, things were looking up, he thought as he walked passed Eric.

Horatio finally had stopped pairing him with Eric.

The drive to the marina went in complete silence.

Maybe, Ryan thought,maybe I should make an effort too.

Calleigh didn't seem as opposed to him

as Eric was.

She was just calm and professional around him.

"Did you have a nice weekend? "he asked, trying to strike a conversation.

Calleigh looked up from the road and gave him a piercing stare with her

cold blue eyes.

"Look Ryan," she said as she concentrated on the road again.

"I don't mind working with you, you're a good CSI and I respect that but we will never be friends. So let's stick to work related topics, okay?"

Ryan just bit his lip and nodded. He didn't trust his voice at the moment.


	7. Chapter 7

Working the scene had been very difficult. Ryan had trouble concentrating.

It was his own fault he knew. He had let himself open for that attack.

How could he've been so stupid?

Suddenly Calleigh wasn't so nice to work with anymore.

"Jeez, what a bitch," he heared someone say behind him as he was packing the gear back in the SUV.

He looked up and saw a familiar face. It was Jack Fields ,a patrol cop he used to work

with

.He smiled "Hey Jack, how are you doing?"

"By the looks of it much better then you. You've lost weight man."

Ryan shrugged "Maybe a little. It's been a tough couple of months."

Jack patted his back.

"I know man I know. How's Sarah doing?"

Ryan smiled. "Good, good, she's got the leading role in the school play. She's already memorized her part, give it a week or two and I will have too."

Jack smiled and opened his mouth to ask some more questions when he was interrupted.

"Hurry up will you, Ryan. We haven't got all day."

Ryan winced, he had almost forgotten about Calleigh.

"Coming," he yelled back

Jack shook his head, "You know there's always a job open for you in patrol."

Ryan nodded. "Yeah thanks," and he jogged to the front of the SUV and opened the door.

"We're having a BBQ friday at Baxters' house, why don't you come?" Jack called after him.

"I'll try," Ryan yelled back through the open window while Calleigh drove off.

Calleigh walked over to the locker room to grab her labcoat when she heard somebody talking in there. She opened the door slowly and saw Ryan sitting on a bench talking in to his cell.

"Hey mom it's me. Look I'm going to work late tonight, Will you be...."

"Thanks"

"Yeah I know but we could use the overtime"

"I wish... if we didn't need the money I would be back in patrol already. At least the people there look me in the eye."

"Yeah, we used to get by all right but now we only have my paycheck to

live off of."

Ryan looked up and saw Calleigh standing in the doorway.

"Look mom I have to go... See you tonight" he said and then snapped his phone shut.

"You live with your mom?" Calleigh asked in wonder.

Ryan gave her a angry glare. "That's none of your bussness, remember

we don't do small talk, chit chat or any form of conversation that is not

related to work."

He grabbed his coat and walked towards the ballistics lab. They had bullets to fire.


	8. Chapter 8

"Don't," Ryan yelled and sat up straight in his bed.... His heart was

racing.

He blinked a couple of times and noticed that he was in his own bedroom.

Sweat was streaming down his back and he got up....

He had to clean the

bed, clean himself...clean.... Take a shower, preferably before the

shaking started.

He had grown mellow.

There had been a time when he was used to the nightmares.

Not anymore. The presence of his lover beside him had chased away his frequentnight terrors.

He sighed as he pulled the sheets from the bed. He better get used to it again.

The shaking started when he got out of the shower... At least he was clean again..

He curled up under the blankets and hugged a pillow, closing his eyes.

Suddenly the side of the bed dipped down a little.

"Daddy?" a small voice whispered.

"Hey honey. I'm sorry, did I wake you up?"

Sarah nodded. "But that's okay. I wanted to sleep in the big bed anyway."

She snuggled up to him and sighed.

Ryan closed his eyes again. He didn't want his daughter to take care of him.

That wasn't her job. He didn't want Sarah to grow up before her time, not like he did.

Sarah wiggled "Daddy would you hold me please, I'm cold."

He did it and felt his body calm down, the shaking lessened.

Maybe she wasn't taking care of him, they were taking care of

each other.

That wasn't so bad now was it?


	9. Chapter 9

Tripp was watching the backs of Eric and Ryan as they processed the

scene of a drive by shooting.

"Hey Jeffrey," he greeted on off the cops that had discovered the

scene.

"Hey Frank, how are you doing?"

"Fine, fine."

"Is that Ryan I see over there? "

"Yep. "

"Hey Ryan," Jeffrey yelled and waved.

Ryan looked up from his camera and waved back.

"Don't forget the BBQ on Friday."

"I won't,"

Ryan yelled back and moved towards the yellow tape to

talk to Jeffrey when Eric snapped something at him.

Ryan shrugged, gave Jeffrey

an appologetic smile and continued photographing the scene.

"What the fuck is wrong with those CSIs?"

Jeffrey growled at Frank.

"What do you mean?" Tripp asked.

"The way they treat Ryan. I didn't know they were so narrow minded.

And then they have the nerve to say we patrol cops are rednecks..."

"I really don't know what you're talking about," Frank replied.

He had never payed much attention to the newest CSI.

He had known Ryan as a cop of course.

And had always respected him due to his thoroughness and professional attitude. As a CSI he was very much the same.

"Oh come on Tripp, if we treated a member of our unit that bad our lieutenant would have our heads"

"They've just lost one of there own Jeffrey. You can't expect them to let someone in immediately."

"It's been 6 months Tripp. And there is a difference between not letting someone in and completly ignoring him. Believe me I'm not the only one who sees it. Patrol is involved with all the cases your CSIs work on and everyone is angry about the way you guys treat Ryan."

Tripp looked at Ryan and Eric again. They seemed to be working side by side.

"I don't see it, Jeffrey."

"Then you will have to pay better attention Frank. I don't think

the kid can handle it much longer. Even as a beat cop he didn't have such a hard time

when he came out. And in the end he even convinced the worst homophobes he

was a good cop. I would never have suspected that the CSIs were worse."

Then Jeffrey's radio started beeping and he headed back to his car, leaving a stunned Tripp behind.


	10. Chapter 10

Ryan continued to work the scene completely unaware that he just been outed.

Behind him Tripp walked over to Alexx. who was loading the DB in the ambulance.

"Hey Frank, what's up?" she asked him, "You look puzzled."

"Yeah, I am."

He rubbed his face.

"I just got talked down to by a patrol cop about the way we treat Wolfe."

Alexx nodded. "So they notice it too. Baby boy has a lot more people watching out for him then he knows."

Tripp looked at her "So it is true."

"Yes Frank, it's true."

"Patrol thinks it's because he's gay."

That surprised Alexx.

"He's gay?"

"Apparently."

Alexx shook her head, "That's not it Frank. He reminds them of our Speed and they take their sadness and anger out on him."

Frank nodded. At least it wasn't a bigotry thing because most of the time that wasn't something fixable.

"I'm taking this up with Horatio," Frank said.

"It will work itself out, Frank," Horatio said when Frank approached him later.

"If you say so Horatio."

"I do."


	11. Chapter 11

It was Saturday morning and Ryan had the day off.

He was sitting on a bench in the park, keeping one eye focused on Sarah who was playing in the

sandbox.

The other eye was reading a science journal.

He noticed two children joining Sarah in the sand.

Sarah, being thesocial creature that she was, made first contact by offering to share her bucket with the girls.

Soon they were giggling away.

Ryan scanned the crowd in the park, looking for the little girls' parents.

When he saw Alexx, his first thought was, "Oh God, why me?"

A feeling of dread came over him.

Knowing his luck the little girls were probably hers. Sarah chose that moment to throw a hand full of sand in the air and both girls seemed to find that incredibily funny.

As soon as the other girls smiled he knew for sure.

They had the exact same smile as their mother.

Ryan slid a little down on his bench and held the journal a little higher so he could hide behind it.

He risked a careful peek every ten seconds or so.

Alexx was sitting next to a man, probably her husband. She looked at her children but hadn't seen him. Yet.

Ryan considered his chances.

But before he had worked out his escape plan, involving a rocket, a solar eclipse and a fast get-away-vehicle Sarah yelled, "Dad! Daddy... Can I have some juice?"

Ryan groaned, "Yes, of course honey,"

he called back and tried to get a juice box out of his backpack while keeping his head down so he wouldn't be recognized.

Unfortunately for him, Sarah's voice had caught Alexx's attention, and she had gotten curious about the parents of her litle girls' new friend.

"Ryan, is that you?"

Ryan looked up and tried to look surprised.

"Hey, hello Alexx."

"Daaahaaadddy!" Sarah interrupted, jumping up and down holding on to

his knee,"Hurry up! I want to play... I made a new friend!"

"That's wonderful, honey," he said, and he gave her the box of orange juice.

And like a little tornado she was gone again.

"Sweet kid," Alexx remarked.

Ryan smiled. "Yes she is. "

"I didn't know you had a daughter Ryan."

Ryan shrugged.

He had not tried to hide Sarah. It had just sort of happened.

Work sometimes felt like a warzone and he didn't want his thoughts about Sarah poisoned by his co-workers' toxins. But all things considered he actually didn't mind Alexx knowing.


	12. Chapter 12

The chance meeting in the park with Alexx had worked out great, Ryan

mused as he entered the crime lab.

It got Sarah a standing play date and

now he didn't have to rely so much on his mother-in-law.

He got along well with Peter, Alexx's husband, and it was nice to know

that someone at work knew about his life outsite of the lab.

She even helped him out with the costume he had to make for Sarah's

play.

He and Edna were both terrible with needle and thread.

Alexx had seen

their pathetic attempts and taken over, to the delight and incredible relief of Sarah.

The school play started in two hours and Ryan was looking forward to it.

He loved seeing their Sarah shine. He had even bought a new digital camera.

Well to be honest the camera had two purposes.

To tape Sarah, of course,

and to hide behind when the mob of divorcees discovered him.

Somehow being a

single dad seemed to give of some kind of signal that attracted every

single woman in the vicinity.

Ryan almost bumped against Eric in the hallway who had been flirting

with that Boa Vista girl.

Ryan smirked maybe he should tell Eric that the key to

succes was having a kid.

The perfect chick magnet for the player that Eric was.

Not that a guy like Eric needed any extra help.

The man was drop dead

gorgeous.

Too bad he was straight... and the biggest asshole on the

planet.

"Where do you think you're going? " Eric snapped at him.

"Home," Ryan replied in the same manner. He didn't even try to be nice to Eric

any more.

"Oh no you're not"

"Look Eric, I don't want to fight about this but I need to be somewere in a few hours."

"Too bad, you're pulling a double whether you like it or not!"

"Jeez man, what's wrong with you? I've been working doubles and triples all week to cover your and Calleigh's asses. Tonight I can't."

Ryan was really starting to get agitated. Why was there always something in his way when he was just a little bit happy?

"Well I'm pulling rank... You're staying Wolfe and that's it."

"Come on Delko be reasonable. You can easily finish this up on your

own.

There is no reason for me hanging around besides the fact you want to annoy me."

Eric glared at him.

"You're staying!"

Ryan almost hit the smug bastard in the face.

He breathed in through his nose a couple of times to calm himself down... Luckily Eric had walked away. He turned and walked straight to Horatio's office. He knocked.

"Hello, Mr. Wolfe. How can I help you?"

"Look Horatio I need to go home."

Horatio just raised his eyebrow.

Frustrated, Ryan gathered his thoughts.

In their little family he always had always been the socialy awkward one. He was no good with people. Lately he was being confronted time and time again that he had to be the one to do the social things.

Just another reason to miss his lover.

"My daughter has a school play and I promised her I'd be there."

"Well, well Mr. Wolfe. You've been holding out on us. A daughter? "

"Yes, and not any more than you are holding out on me," Ryan mumbled.

"I didn't quite catch that, Mr. Wolfe."

"Look, it wasn't important... Can I go?"

"Of course you can Mr. Wolfe and wish your daughter good luck for me."

"I will. Thank you."

Horatio looked on in bemusement at Wolfe's retreating back.

Why didn't the kid just open up? Maybe smile some more? He bet that that would make him much easier to get along with.


	13. Chapter 13

Ryan was navagating his car out of the tight parking spot he'd used while picking up a DVD for him and Sarah to watch that night when he thought he saw a familiar face in the rearview mirror.

He turned around in his seat and saw Calleigh desperatly trying to hold up her obviously drunk father.

The scene struck Ryan, made him remember things he would rather not... He threw his car back into the spot and put on the hand brake.

He got out of the car and walked over to Calleigh, careful not to draw attention to them.

"Hey Calleigh," he said softly.

The look in her eyes as she looked up was almost physically painful.

"Let me help you."

Calleigh was about to refuse when her father fell forward and almost landed them both on the pavement.

Luckily for them Ryan had quick reflexes and he caught them just in time.

"Let's get him to my car," Ryan said.

"It's all right, we can take a cab."

Ryan shook his head. "They won't take him. Besides it will take too long and my car is parked just over there."

Calleigh felt tears welling up and she was incredibly relieved that someone had taken over.

She protested slightly for appearances but Ryan wouldn't budge.

Five minutes later they had loaded her now unconscious father in to his car.

"Where does he live?" Ryan asked and without further protest Calleigh gave him the address.

The drive proceeded in silence, as did the maneuvers to get him up the stairs and undressed into his bed.

When her father was finally tucked in she observed, "You've done this before, haven't you? "

"Yeah."

"Your father?"

"My mom."

"Did she sober up?"

"She OD'ed."

Calleigh could just nod at that while she took a last look at her father before she closed the bedroom door behind her.

"Do you need a ride home or will you be staying with him?"

"I think I'd better stay."

Ryan shrugged and turned towards the front door.

"Ryan? "

Ryan looked over his shoulder and looked her in the eyes.

"You could've just left me standing there."

"Yeah, I could've. But I didn't" he said matter of factly.

"Thank you."

Ryan just nodded and walked out the door.

The next day Calleigh cornered him in the locker room.

"Ryan."

"It's okay, Calleigh I won't say..."

"Shush! I want to apologize. I've been, well, I've been a real bitch to you and I'm s-"

Ryan waved his hands in irritation. "No, I don't want you to be nice to me out of some sort of gratitude or something."

"What about being nice to you because you're a decent guy who did a nice thing for someone he had no reason to be nice to?"

Calleigh watched him think about that for a second.

"I guess that's all right," he said and smiled shyly


	14. Chapter 14

Ryan had taken his lunch outside today.

He was working a murder case with Delko and he was in desperate need for some Delko free time.

He rested his head on the trunk of the tree he sat behind when he heard voices.

Delko and Calleigh were walking towards his tree.

He thought about getting up but he didn't feel like getting up so soon, he was enyoing the outside too much.

Besides it wasn't like they could see him.

"Look Eric all I'm trying to say is try to be a little nicer to him... It wouldn't kill you."

"I just don't like the guy, Calleigh. He's Obsessive Compulsive, arrogant, and annoying. Why are you blowing his horn all of the sudden? I thought you coudn't stand the guy."

Ryan shook his head behind his tree.

The day that Eric Delko would be nice to him was the day hell froze over.

"I just got to know him a little better and he's really a decent guy, Eric. He's not trying to replace Speed. You know, I think Speed would have really liked him."

Ryan smiled. Boy was she right.

"Of course Speed would have liked him," Eric replied angrily, "Speed had a saviour complex. He took pity on all the headcases and tried to befriend them. Come on, he even shared his sandwich with the homeless guy on the corner,"

Ryan felt his stomach clench.

Without caring that they could see him he ran passed them.

"Oh crap," Calleigh said to Eric,"I think he heard you."

Eric just shrugged."So what?"

Five minutes later Calleigh found Ryan sitting on a bench in the locker room.

As she openend the door further to enter when Ryan suddenly stood up and punched his locker.

The force startled Calleigh and she moved back a little.

Ryan proceeded to beat the hell out of his locker.

Afer what felt like a hour to Calleigh he stopped and rested his head on the locker.

"I won't let him take away what we had," she heard him whisper.

He opened the locker and stared at a picture on the door.

He caressed the picture, "This was real...very real...I'm sorry I doubted you for a second," he whispered.

Suddenly she felt guilty watching this obviously very private moment.

She didn't know what it was all about but she felt that a private man like Ryan woudn't want anyone to know.

So she turned and left without making a sound.


	15. Chapter 15

Ryan stood in the kitchen, washing his hands for the third time in an hour.

Get a grip Wolfe, he scolded himself.

The thing with Delko earlier that day must have hurt him more then he'd originally thought.

Resolutely he dried his hands and walked over to Sarah who was sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by crayons.

She was drawing the most curious parade of little animals.

There was a purple rabbit, a pink tortoise and what seemed to be a green and purple striped hippo.

"Wow, that looks good honey. Those are some very interesting colours."

Sarah nodded, the tip of her tongue sticking out a little.

"Yep. I was thinking when I woke up this morning that things are so boring looking,

The sky is always blue, the sun is always yellow...so I thought "What if I could make the world like I would want it to be?""

Ryan smiled and ruffled her hair.

He wished he could do that too.

He looked at her hands holding the crayons.

She was losing the baby fat, but she still had the most adorable dimples underneath her fingers.

Geez her hands were dirty, he thought, I should wash them, scrub them... Get underneath the nails...

Startled he stopped his thoughts.

God I didn't just think that... He looked at her hands again and then at his own.

They felt dirty... He closed his eyes, clenched his teeth and walked over to the phone.

Fifteen minutes later Sarah was shooed out of the kitchen by her grandmother.

"Take her with you, Edna. I can't... I won't... I will not put her through this.

God, I almost started on her, cleaning her..." he said, his voice strangled, and he sat down covering his face with his hands.

Edna shook her head.

She knew Ryan had a strong hold on his compulsions, even in the last couple of months when Ryan's life had been turned upside down he hadn't slipped.

Well just once and he had made sure Sarah wasn't around when it happened.

She trusted him...and his telephone call just proved it.

"Almost is the key word here son. You called for help when you needed it.

That's the best thing a father, ANY father can do."

"But I'm not just any father I'm single, gay and I have OCD. What kind of example am I setting for Sarah? She's going to be scarred for-"

"Stop that!" Edna interrupted.

She took his head in her hands and forced him to look her in the eye.

"Honey, you of all people should know that all a child needs to grow up to be a happy person is a little love.

And you give her all the love that she needs and then some."

She let go of his head and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Now stop all this self pity nonsense. You're a good dad and you know it."

She filled the tea kettle with water and asked, "Do you want some tea? And after that you can tell me what happened today that got you all worked up!"


	16. Chapter 16

"Why didn't you tell him? "

"Tell them what Delko? That you were the one that screwed it up? That

it was you who almost let that killer go free?"

Delko hit the wall next to Ryan.

"What do you want from me Wolfe!" he shouted in frustration.

Ryan just looked at him, it was almost as if he felt sorry for him. And just that enraged Eric even more.

"If you're planning something Wolfe, I'm warning you!"

Ryan sighed, ducked to get out from under Eric's arms that held him against the wall and

walked away without a word.

"What was that all about?" Calleigh asked Eric. She had watched the whole encounter from the glass walls in the lab.

"Wolfe is playing some sick game with me."

"What do you mean?"

"He let Horatio believe that he misplaced the evidence instead of me"

Calleigh looked at him.

"Well that actually sounds nice."

Eric snorted and walked away.


	17. Chapter 17

"Oh no, you're not cancelling on me now, Ryan Jonathan Wolfe," Alexx said on the phone, drawing the attention of all her co-workers gathered in her garden for her birthday.

Oh good, Eric thought.

He was enjoying the party and he didn't want that snot nosed wannabe to ruin it. His negative thoughts were interrupted by the shrill voice of Peter Jr. "Oh mom, uncle Ryan has to come!!! At least he's not boring."

"Peter!" Peter senior scolded him.

Peter Jr. blushed a bit, "I'm sorry Dad, I just wanted to show uncle Ryan my new game."

"He's coming," Alexx said,

Both Peters looked relieved.

"Oh sweetheart," Alexx said to her husband, "You're as bad as your son, you can't wait to show him your new powertools."

Eric was suprised.

The conversation seemed to indicate that Ryan was familiar with Alexx and her family outside of work.

More than familiar actually.

How did he weasel his way onto his team? How did he win over his friends?

The guy literally did everything to replace Speed, he'd even wormed his way into Alexx's family....Alexx; Speed's surrogate mother!

Angrily, he looked around for some form of support from his co workers but Calleigh, Horatio and Frank just looked surprised while Dan, Natalia, and that other lab tech fellow weren't paying attention at all.

Finally they heared the doorbell and before anyone could answer Peter Jr. had run off to open the door.

A few minutes later Ryan entered the garden. On his hip he held a little girl.

He walked straight over to the birthday girl.

"Happy birthday, Alexx," he said and he kissed her cheeks.

"Now come on Sarah, you're getting much too big to be held all the time. Go give Alexx her present," he told Sarah and he put her down.

Suddenly overcome with shyness Sarah blushed. Holding on to her father's knees, she held out the present. A big box wrapped, very badly , in blue paper.

"Daddy and me picked it out together but I wrapped it all by myself!" she announced.

Smiling, Alexx took the box from her, "And you did such a good job on it, sweetie.

It's beautiful."

Sarah laughed and jumped up and down, her shyness forgotten.

"Now open it!!! Open it!"

Ryan's co workers looked stunned. Horatio, who had known about Ryan's child was surprised at how happy and relaxed Ryan looked.

Calleigh, Eric, Natalia, Dan, and Frank were just staring at Sarah.

"Did you know Ryan had a kid?" Dan asked them.

He was used to being out of the loop but looking at the CSIs he could see this time he hadn't been the only one.

After Sarah had given Alexx the gift, Ryan was dragged upstairs by Peter Jr. who was bursting with excitement about some video game.

Sarah walked up to Eric, Calleigh and Horatio who had migrated to the pool.

"Hello," she said and put out her hand,

"I'm Sarah and who are you? " she asked curiously.

Calleigh was the first one to gather her wits

"It's nice to meet you, Sarah. I'm Calleigh."

"And I'm Horatio."

Sarah giggled a litle at that.

She thought it was a silly name, But daddy had taught her that it was not polite to say everything you thought and she had a hunch that he wouldn't like it if she told the orange man that he had a silly name.

Eric just looked at the little girl.

She looked right back at him until Calleigh poked Eric in the side with her elbow.

Eric shook her hand, "Um, hi?"

"You're supposed to say your name," Sarah corrected him.

"Oh right. I'm Eric."

Sarah's face clouded.

"Oh," she said, " Grandma doesn't like you much."

"Grandma?"

"Yeah. I think I wasn't supposed to overhear but when daddy came home last week and was all sad and stuff she said some things about a f-ing son of a bitch named Eric."

Eric didn't know how to react to that.

He was starting to feel quite uncomfortable under the stare of those sweet, large blue eyes.

"Maybe it wasn't you," she offered after what had seemed to be like

an hour, "You seem nice."

She cocked her head to the side and stared at him some

more.

"You look a little like Mrs. Underwood and I like her."

Eric heared Calleigh snigger next to him while he felt he was starting to blush.

Luckily Horatio chose that moment to intervene.

"So tell me Sarah, where is your mom? "

"Oh, she's dead," she casually replied and then skipped off because she saw Mari, Alexx's youngest daughter enter the garden.


	18. Chapter 18

Later that evening Alexx, Calleigh and Ryan found themselves on the edge of the pool. Sarah had fallen asleep on Ryan's lap and he stroked her hair, smiling.

Calleigh smiled at the two of them.

"She's really cute, Ryan. If you ever need a babysitter, give me a call."

Ryan just nodded, not taking his eyes off of his beautiful daughter.

"She's got your mouth," Calleigh observed.

"I wish," Ryan murmured.

"What do you mean?" Calleigh asked.

There was a long pause and Calleigh began to regret her question.

Finally Ryan looked up and looked at Calleigh, his hand never ceasing in its stroking of Sarah's hair.

He shrugged and answered.

"Sarah is adopted."

"I'm sorry," Calleigh said, biting her lip, "Weren't you able to concieve?"

Ryan snorted.

He studied Calleigh's face.

She had been nice to him in the last couple of weeks, despite her earlier behavior.

He had started to feel he could trust her. Besides it wasn't like he was in the closet.

He hadn't been since uncle Ron had cought him making out with a guy when he was seventeen.

"Men usually aren't."

Calleigh blinked a couple of times... and then it dawned on her.

"You're gay," she said, and though it was more of a statement than a question, he answered.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

Calleigh looked puzzled for a moment and Alexx put an arm around Ryan.

"How did he die Ryan?" Alexx asked.

Ryan closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry Alexx. I'm not really ready to talk about it yet," he said, hearing how weak his voice sounded and hating it.

It wasn't exactly a lie, he really didn't want to talk about it. He blamed himself for Tim's death.

He was an obsessive compulsive, how could he have let him walk around with a badly cleaned...

"I´m sorry Ryan," Calleigh interrupted, his thoughts mercifully coming to a halt at the sound of her voice, "I didn´t know. I´ve been sticking my foot in my mouth all evening."

Ryan shrugged again.

He'd found it to be a very useful gesture, especially when your throat had closed up and you were on the brink of tears.


	19. Chapter 19

He was in a pit......a dark, deep, moist and dirty pit.

Ryan could not believe his luck.

To fall in a pit while working a crime scene was bad enough, but to fall into a pit while

working a crime scene with Delko was, come to think of it, probably the end of the world.

"Hey Wolfe, did you hit your head or something? " he heard Eric shout right in front of him.

He shook his head, then realized Eric probably couldn't see him.

"No I didn't. How long do you think it will take for them to find us?"

"How the hell should I know? "

Ryan bit his lip.

Eric had been acting like this whole mess was his fault.

Well he wasn't the one that had sent patrol away.

Nor was he the one that had fallen on top of his own cell phone. Granted he had been the one that had left his phone in the car.

But that still made it 1-2 in his favor.

Ryan felt like he had been in this damn hole for years.

But his watch told him it had only been one hour, three minutes and thirty four seconds.

It was starting to become impossible not to think about the fact that he was dirty, that he had mud all over his body.

His hands were the worst, they were bleeding and the blood mixed with the dirt to form a sticky, thick crust all over his hands... It was so hard not to think about the germs that were making their way into his blood stream through the open wounds.

At that thought, he started to rub his hands together, making washing movements that grew harder and harder... scrubbing his hands, scrubbing, scrubbing...

"Wolfe, what the hell are you doing? "

Dazed, Ryan looked up.

His eyes had gotten used to the dim light of the pit and he

could see Eric's angry face clearly.

"What?"

"Your hands, Wolfe, for God's sakes you're scratching them open."

Ryan looked down at his hands... he seemed to have some scratch marks on them.

"Wolfe!" Delko shouted again.

Suddenly Ryan felt the pain in his hands. Fuck, he thought, I'm losing it... in front of Delko of all people.

He started doing some breathing excersises a therapist once taught him, trying to regain his composure and control.

Eric sighed in relief. Wolfe looked a little more aware now.

It had been a terrifying sight, Wolfe scratching the skin of his hands like he felt no pain.

"Was that the OCD ? "

"Yeah."

"How did you get it? "

"Get it? It's not like catching the flu or something," Ryan snapped, though he was actually

relieved that he and Delko were talking.

Any distraction was welcome right now...

"Well I'm guessing you weren't born with it," Eric snapped back.

"So I should tell you so you can taunt me with it and be even more of an ass?"

Eric fell silent. It wasn't like Wolfe didn't have a point there.

The hole filled with silence again.

A heavy, almost suffocating silence.

"I was locked in a room when I was 11," Ryan suddenly whispered, "I was locked in a room for 14 hours with my mother.

She had overdosed on whatever drugs she had been taking at the time.."

Eric heard a strangled sound and was surprised to find that it had left his own mouth.

"It took her 1 hour to die, it took them 13 hours to find us."

"God!"

"I don't think he had anything to do with it," Ryan remarked dryly, needing to relieve some of the tension that filled him.

He had exposed himself to Delko of all people.

How had that happened?

He felt weak and vulnerable and it made him edgy and mean.

"Your turn, Delko," he said suddenly.

"Huh?" Eric replied elegantly, still preoccupied with Ryan's story.

He had discovered scenes like that before.

Children who had been with one of their parents when they died.

He had just never met the result of such a scene.

"Its your turn to tell me something you wouldn't normally tell anyone. Ever."

"I'm gay" Eric blurted out.

Oh fuck, what did I just say? he thought, How could that have slipped out? Damn it, this god awful pit was playing with his mind

"Yeah right," Ryan snorted,"Eric Delko is gay."

Somehow that remark hurt Eric.

"Do you have any idea what I'm telling you here Wolfe? How dangerous it is for me to tell you? What it could cost me?"

Eric rubbed his hand, his dirty hand, Ryan noted, over his face.

"If this ever comes out my life will be at stake. What if patrol doesn't back me up?"

Ryan snorted again.

"Oh, they'll back you up. They always had my back."

"Huh?" Eric said for the second time in five minutes.

"Just how dense are you? I'm gay too, Delko. G-A-Y, gay!"

Eric blinked.

"You're gay."

"Uh huh."

"And patrol knew? "

"Yes, they will be shocked and may be careful around you for a while but once they get to know you and start to like-"

Ryan stopped and snickered softly, "Well I can see how that might be a problem for you."

Eric was too shocked to even notice the insult.

"But you've got a kid?"

"Yeah."

"How..."

"We adopted."

"We?"

"My partner and I."

"He died," Ryan added as an after thought.

It was quiet in the hole for a while after that.

"I've lost someone recently too," Eric finally said, breaking the silence.

"No kidding," Ryan replied.

"Look I'm sorry Wolfe, okay? I might have... I might have been projecting my anger on you."

Ryan managed, just barely managed to keep the sarcastic reply from coming out.

He sighed. "Was that so hard Eric? Admitting that it might actually have nothing to do with me?"

"Yeah... Yeah it was."

Again Eric rubbed his face with his dirty hands... leaving a black smudge on his left cheek. Ryan stared at it.

"Speed was my best friend. I knew him like the back of my hand..."

With an effort Ryan tore his gaze from Eric's left cheek.

"Pfft," he scoffed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hello!!!!! Eric, Mr. Wolfe," Horatio's voice carried its way down to the bottom of the pit.


	20. Chapter 20

Eric looked around the locker room. He was looking for Ryan.

He felt he needed to talk to him. Out there in that deep black hole some things were said.

Eric felt like he had let too many of his secrets slip.

But deep down he was relieved.

It was like he'd a weight had lifted from his heart, a weight that had been there since the day Speed died.

He still felt sad about Speed's death, a terrible gutwrenching sadness, but the anger, the boiling hot anger, was gone.

In its place was a bone deep fatigue.

Hating Ryan had been hard work. Hating Ryan was almost impossible.

So here he was looking for Ryan....Ryan, he thought, that's funny.

Up until the pit it had been Wolfe.

Someone was in the shower.

Eric gave himself a mental slap. Of course.

He had seen Ryan fighting with his OCD in the pit.

The first thing he would do was to take a shower.

Eric lowered himself onto a bench. This was probably going to take a while, so he'd better make himself comfortable.

Ryan forced himself to turn off the shower.

He was clean, he knew that. Hell even the OCD part of his brain knew that.

He just loved the feeling of hot water on his body.

It relaxed him and he really needed that.

He was going over the things he had said to Delko in the hole.

He had shared and Delko had too.

His biggest fear was that Delko would get scared, horrified by what he shared with that headcase Ryan Wolfe.

And knowing Eric he would react to that fear with anger.

He would lash out even more then before.

And Ryan had given him even more ammunition than he used to have.

Brilliant, Ryan, brilliant, he scolded himself and rubbed the towel furiously over his body.

He wrapped the towel aroud his waist and left the shower cubical.

Eric watched as Ryan left the shower stall. Damn, he thought, Ryan looks hot.

Down boy, he told himself sternly... but he kept his eyes on Ryan's torso.

Ryan walked over to his locker when he noticed Delko sitting on the bench in front of the shower stalls.

Oh crap, he thought, here we go.

And wasn't this just perfect timing?

Here he was standing around naked.

He couldn't get much more vunerable than this.

And he was painfully aware of his skinny figure compaired to the broad-shouldered Cuban.

And of course his body was evidence to his further insuperiority.

Evidence that he had scrubbed a little bit too hard, harder then any sane person would... And evidence that he was attracted to Eric.

Quickly he turned to his locker, turning his back to Eric and grabbing his clothes.

"Ryan can we talk? "

Ryan kept his head down and his back firmly turned as he pulled up his jeans.

"Yeah, sure."

"Look all I want is to... Can you at least face me when I'm talking to you?" Eric snapped.

Ryan sighed.

So nothing had changed.

Eric would keep at it.

Slowly he turned around.

Eric saw Ryan's shoulders tense. Geez it was hard to break old habits.

He hadn't wanted to snap at Ryan. All he wanted was to apologize.

"What! What do you want, Delko? "

Eric sighed.

He had that coming.

He raised his hands in a calming gesture but Ryan saw Eric's hands coming up and flinched.

It was a habit... a very old habit.

It used to drive uncle Ron and Tim crazy... Not that it happened very much any more.

Only when he was tense and stressed.

Worried he looked at Eric.

Judging by his startled expression he had noticed it too.

Had Ryan really expected him to hit?

He really had been the biggest jerk on earth in the last few months.

"Geez calm down Ryan... I was just- just trying to apologize."

Ryan's brain got stuck on his name... Had he heard that correctly?

Had Eric called him Ryan?

Had he actually used his first name? Come to think of it he was surprised Eric even knew his first name.

"I've been an ass to you since the day you came here. It wasn't fair, to you, to Speed, or to the lab."

Damn, hell must have frozen over, Ryan thought.

Beause he could swear he'd just heard Eric apologize.

And not a simple sorry... A little word uttered in a dark hole in the ground under a fair amount of stress.

But a real heartfelt apology.

"I really am sorry, can you please forgive me?"

Ryan's first impulse was to say no, just to see how Eric would react.

He sniggered a bit. Tim had always encouraged him to follow his impulses. Tim always accused him of overthinking things.

But he believed that Tim would forgive him for not following his impulse at this particular moment.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah,"

He put his blue sweater vest on and picked up his bag,

"See you tomorrow,"

he said, and with that, he left Eric in the middle of the locker room staring at the closing door.


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks to Horatio's quick reflexes he didn't collide with Eric Delko who

stormed past him in a fury.

"Eric, what's wrong? "

"Fucking patrol!"

"Eric! "

"Look I'm sorry Horatio but they're making it almost impossible to work a scene. I don't know what they've got against CSIs but I swear it's like a fucking vendetta."

"Yes, I've noticed. Just leave it to me"

And Horatio walked past Eric, looking for the patrol officer currently on the case.

He too had noticed a growing hostility between his CSI team and Miami Dade Patrol.

Horatio tried to pin point the time it had started.

He was certain it had started after Speed died.

What had changed between then and now?

Ryan Wolfe had become a CSI. And he left patrol to do that.

Maybe that was what was wrong.

Patrol resented the CSIs for taking one of theirs.

No, that coudn't be it, he mused.

The night shift had several former Patrol officers working as CSIs.

It had to be something specific about Mr. Wolfe.

The guy wasn't easy to get along with. He was closed off and stubborn with a prideful streak a mile long.

No doubt he had made his share of enemies among his fellow officers.

Mr. Wolfe had had a hard time with his team at first. Luckily his team was understanding and forgiving.

He was really proud of them for making the extra effort to get to know Mr. Wolfe. Things had calmed down lately and now they all seemed to be working together very well.

Alexx had taken him under her wing and that had certainly payed off.

Somehow she had encouraged Calleigh and Eric to do the same and things had gotten much better.

Yesterday he'd even heard Eric and Ryan making plans to go out for drinks after work.

Horatio put on his sunglasses and left the murder scene .

He looked around.

Maybe patrol was at the back of the house.

As he was about to turn the corner he heard voices.

He recognized Ryan's voice and a patrol officer named Fields if he remembered correctly.

Deciding that he needed to know what the hell was going on stopped where he was and listened.

"Look Jack, ease up a bit on Delko would you? "

"Ryan, why would you want me to be nice to that bastard? Really son you're too good for this world "

Ryan snorted "Hardly. Besides Eric isn't that much of an ass any more. "

Jack looked at Ryan and searched his face.

"Are you telling me the truth? "

"Yeah, I am. I won't deny the fact that we had some friction in the beginning but he is trying , they all are."

Now it was Jack's turn to snort.

"Some friction; you are the master of understatements Ryan. Friction he calls it. They were practically harrassing you."

Ryan grinned "How did you get that idea anyway,; harassment? They're not that judgmental. They were just getting over the loss of someone dear to them. "

"Well they took their damn time. It's been 8 months

Jack saw a flash of sadness pass over Ryan's face.

"Oh I'm sorry son."

Ryan swiped at his face with one hand.

"It's okay Jack."

Jack placed a hand on Ryan shoulders and felt him stiffen as usual. And as usual Jack ignored it.

"It's going to hurt for a long time son, but it will get easier."

Ryan just nodded.

"So are they really treating you better?"

"Yeah."

"Good. I'll let the guys know. We still miss you by the way.

Break room has never been this dirty."

Ryan laughed.

Horatio turned away and walked over to his hummer. He sat down hard in the driver's seat and removed his sunglasses. He took a deep breath and looked at himself in the rearview mirror. He had some thinking to do.


	22. Chapter 22

and its all down hill from here part 22

"Ryan are you coming? "Calleigh's voice pierced through Ryan's brain, carefully he stood up from the bench in the locker room.

"in a minute" Ryan yelled back hurting his own head even more.

A few hours ago the tell tale signs of pre migraine aura had entered his vision. Luckily it didn't interfere with his work on the glass shards they had found at the scene. As long as it didn't involve color he could still distinguish shapes from one an other easily.

He had taken his mediations but so far with no result.

"Ryan"

although they had a good working relationship now, Calleigh would never be a patient person.

Calleigh saw Ryan coming out of the locker room she looked him over in concern. He looked pale and he seemed to wobble a bit.

"are you alright? "she asked

"i'm fine, just a bit of a headache" Ryan said praying that his medication would kick in soon.

Usually they worked.

It had taken a while for the doctors to find something that worked.

Through out his childhood he had no other choice then to wait them out in the darkest place he could find in whatever hell hole he and his mother were living in at the time.

When uncle Ron found him he took him to see every specialist in the country who had never seen migraines that severe in a teen.

Finally he was diagnosed with FAS and he counted himself luckily that migraine's were the only thing he had to show for his moms excessive use of alcohol and god knows what else during her pregnancy.

"Ryan"

Geez she really had high pitched voice Ryan thought and entered the car.

As soon as Calleigh parked the suv at the crime scene Ryan undid his seat belt and bolted out of the car.

Calleigh took the key out, undid her seat belt and followed. She grabbed her kit out of the back seat and looked around for Ryan.

She frowned he was no were to be seen. She entered the the taped area, still no Ryan.

Were did he go?

Irritated she walked up to one of the patrol officers guarding the scene.

"excuse me...officer Jessop did you see were my partner went? "

"you mean Ryan? He's hurling his guts up in the bushed over there..its oke, Jack is with him"

As Calleighs eyes followed Jessop's pointing finger she saw the hunched over form of Ryan leaning against a tree and judging by the way his back moved he was most definitely throwing up.


	23. Chapter 23

23

carefully Calleigh moved closer towards Ryan and the officer that was standing next to him holding him up

Ryan had his head rested against a three and had his eyes tightly closed.

Calleigh felt a bit uneasy, like she was intruding somehow. They were talking, but in whispered voices muffled even more by the loud noices from the active crime scene behind her.

Despite herself she moved a few steps closer so she could overhear them.

"you're done? "

"god i hope so"

"can i get you your medication?"

"already took them"

"fat lot of good that did....is it save to take more? "

"no "

"Ryan? "Calleigh finally dared to ask..automatically adapting her voice to the hushed tones of their conversation.

Ryan moved his head towards her but did not open his eyes.

"yeah"

"are you alright" when she said it she already realized how stupid it sounded.

and like she expected Ryan snorted...and winced right after.

"not really no"

"Migraine? "

"yeah"

"you should go home "

"I'll take him " The patrol officer who's name Calleigh couldn't remember interrupted.

He guided Ryan towards a car. Ryan followed him moving stiffly without opening his eyes.

Just before he sat down he turned his head "Calleigh? "

"yes Ryan"

"would you please let H know I'm taking a day off ? ...and I'm sorry for letting you down...sorry"

"don't be stupid Ryan and don't worry i will let Horatio know "


	24. Chapter 24

24

Edna noticed that the blinds were closed when she parked the car in front of Ryan's house.

Odd ,she thought as she helped Sara get her bike out of the trunk

While she wheeled the bike towards the backyard she heard Sara call her.

"grandma i thinks its mouse day" Sara informed her

She put the bike down against the garden shed and frowned at her happily skipping granddaughter.

"what is a mouse day dear? "she asked

"that's when dad has a headache and me and paps do everything like a mouse" Suddenly her demeanor changed.

"guess we can't do that anymore either........i miss paps"

Edna had deduced enough by then to get an idea of what a mouse day was. It would have been so like her Tim.

"I miss him too dear, well maybe you can explain mouse day some more so we can do it together? "

A few hours later Edna was an expert on the mouse day ritual. Sara had shown her the box Tim made...a grey box with ears and a tail, containing everything needed. Big fluffy mouse slippers, a grey mouse pj's for Sara, a big grey t shirt for Tim, two pairs of pink earphones ,lots of silent candy, and a bunch of dvd's

When she had finally tucked Sara safely in bed she went to check up on her son in law.

She found Ryan as expected in the master bed room. The room smelled of vomit and she soon discovered the source of it. A bleu bucket was placed next to the mount of blankets probably harboring Ryan underneath.

She cleaned out the bucket and put it back..then she debated her next action Should she wake Ryan? She knew little about his migraines. According to Tim they didn't happen very often and were usually managed by medication.

She remembered Tim calling her one night at 3 o clock waking her and Anton.

He had been frantic...well in a Tim kind of way of course. Only a trained mum could hear when Tim was panicked.

It had been the first time that Tim had seen Ryan going through one of his headaches. And the first time she had realized that Tim was truly madly and deeply in love.

She sighted and carefully shook Ryan's shoulder.

"Ryan, honey ? "

"Tim? "

His voice cut through her chest.

"no its me honey its Edna"

Suddenly Ryan sat up..."Sara? " he asked and then doubled over with his head in his hands.

"she is alright Hon, i put her to bed "

"thank you."

Ryan's muffled voice came from between his hands.

"sorry you had to take care of that..."

"sushh now" Edna interrupted "its okey that what family is for . Can i get you anything? Some pills? water? "

"no i just need to sleep it off "

so she left him there in the large bed all by himself.

After some deliberation she called Anton. She wouldn't come home tonight.


	25. Chapter 25

25

Today had been a bad day Ryan surmised as he walked towards his car.

He always felt guilty afterwards. Knowing his Sarah had to tiptoe around the house because he was unwell. It reminded him a little to much about the times he had to deal with his own mum suffering from withdrawal..keeping quite, cleaning her up.

Intellectual he knew it was different. He and Tim had talked about it enough times so he even knew it emotionally.

it just....he sighted.

And know the day after he was suffering his post migraine hangover which forced him to keep his sunglasses on even indoors so he had looked like some Horatio wannebe all day.

Then there had been this thing with IA. It had been about Eric and apparently he had said something wrong cause Eric was angry with him again.

The whole interview was kind of a blank for Ryan, his head was filled with cotton wool and the had set him opposite the window so the strong Miami sun had shone relentlessly in his sensitive eyes.

And then there had been Horatio. First off all he had asked how Ryan was feeling. Considering he had taken the day off yesterday because he had been sick that made it pretty normal. But not the way Horatio had asked it.

There had been something of about his tone of voice and he had looked almost guilty.

And afterwards he obviously had something more to say.

He had started...a sentence , several times making Ryan pretty nervous.

And the suddenly he had snapped his mouth shut.

Told Ryan never mind and to go back to work.

It made him feel like something was hanging over his head.

It must be something pretty bad if even Horatio was to afraid to confront him with it.

Pulling his car out of his spot he tried to shake his worried feelings. Horatio had always been strange towards him and people in general come to think of it.

And an angry Eric was nothing new.

He had bigger things to worry about.

Like how to convince Sara that kicking boys wasn't a good way to endear yourself with your teacher and how to get his boiler fixed while leaving enough money in his checking account to buy food for Sara and him until his next paycheck.


	26. Chapter 26

26

Though out the week Ryan had grown more suspicious towards Horatio. Something was most definitely up.

H kept looking at him,he clearly had something to say to him, he just knew it.

Why didn't he just come out and say it?

He walked towards the break room, the voices of his colleagues drifting towards him.

He opened the door and suddenly the voices stopped.

Ryan felt like he had a bad case of deja vu.

Things had been easier for him the last couple of months. Granted Eric was pissed at him for something but since he didn't even really like the guy he could live with that.

Awkwardly he closed the door again and walked away.

"mr Wolfe"

he heard Horatio call after him.

He forced himself to turn around "yes boss? "

And again the opening and the closing of the mouth.

Before Ryan could get really angry though H finally managed to say something.

"i realize mr Wolfe that what just happened could have been easily be misintrepid. Certainly giving the circumstances involving your first few months here. It is however very easily explained."

Ryan frowned. He wasn't even aware H had noticed the chilly reception he had gotten. If he did then why the hell hadn't he done something about it?

"we were...we were just making arrangements to spend next Monday as a day of remembrance at the grave of our lost colleague, the one you replaced"

next Monday...Tim's birthday

God he wished he had forgotten it. Tim loved his birthday. He would drop hinds for months and then act all gruffly when they 'surprised him.

Ryan had liked Tim all gruffly and.....

"and since you would be out of place there " Horatio's voice penetrated Ryan's thoughts again.

"I'm giving you that day off "


	27. Chapter 27

27

Together they walked passed the elephant enclosure to the reptilian house that Eric was so adamant to see.

Horatio looked at his team. It had been hard standing at the grave of Speed. And he was glad that Alex had remembered that Speed used to talk about spending his birthday's at the zoo when he was a child. Even before she made the suggestion he knew it was just what they needed.

It had take some of the pressure of the day as they watched the monkey's go after each other, seeing children laugh, happy families.

"Ryan? " Calleigh's voice interrupted his thoughts.

Her clear voice had roused the attention of the whole team who followed Calleigh's stare and surely they saw their teammate.

Ryan was awkwardly trying to hold on to a brightly colored child's backpack and four soda's

He had been startled when he had heard Calleigh's voice, even more when he turned and saw his whole damn team.

Briefly he wondered if he would get away with ignoring them. Pretending he didn't know them. But as soon as the though entered his mind he knew he was being stupid.

"uh...... hey? " He uttered admedialy criticizing his own stumbling reply.

"what are you doing here mr Wolfe? " Horatio asked pulling of his sunglasses.

"well...euh you gave me the day off ......so i just thought i take Sarah to the Zoo."

"just the two of you? "Calleigh asked eyeing the four soda's . She wasn't a CSI for nothing.

"well euh no, my in laws are with us too."Ryan said hoping that Sarah kept her grandparents a little longer in the reptilian house.

Alexx gave Ryan a kiss on his cheek which he couldn't avoid without dropping his load.

"well honey i hope you all have a great time. See you Monday"

and she led the team away from Ryan

Ryan breathed a sight of relieve now praying Sarah would get out before she ran in with them.

As he was listening for his daughters voice he heard Eric's angry voice followed by an unusually loud tone from Horatio.


	28. Chapter 28

28

"its weird"Eric stated as they left Ryan behind.

"what do you mean Eric? "Alexx asked. "i think its pretty normal taking you daughter to the zoo on your day off.

"still its like to much of a coincidence"Eric stated. "its plain creepy, like he is stalking us"

"i would advise you to shut up now! "Horatio stopped Eric.

"aw come on Horatio, its not like you..."

"STOP! this stops here. I have made many mistakes concerning mr Wolfe joining this team but its going to end right now. You are NOT under any circumstance talk about your team mates like that do i make myself clear? "

When Eric didn't reply instantly Horatio grabbed his shoulder.

"am i making myself clear mr Delko? "

"yes sir " he replied still baffled by the unusual display of anger in his boss his eyes.

Horatio seemed satisfied with that answer and walked off briskly towards the cafeteria.

The others followed him in varies states of shock and wonder.


	29. Chapter 29

29

Momentarily paralyzed Horatio stared at his phone.

He gathered himself together and snapped his phone shut.

he jogged to the break room were he found his team.

"Calleigh, Eric! your with me asap"

ten minutes later they arrive at the crime scene.

"were are we? " A slightly shaken Calleigh asked her boss. She never had seen him drive like this.

"were at the house of mrs and mr Speedle"

"Speed's parents? "Eric asks

Horatio nods giving himself no time to react to their questions but walks straight to the patrol officer who seems in charge.

"what happened? "

"it seemed to have been a simple B&E luitenant. Except the perp found the family home up on entering. Luckily the husband came home just before the perp could do any harm. He clubbed him right on the back of his head. Real beauty of a goose egg. He's screaming abuse and claiming a lawyer so it wasn't that hard. A shame, family is been through enough"

Horatio sighted in relieve and nodded his agreement.

Horatio walked towards the victims. Who were currently talking to officer Fields

"i called him sir, he is on his way" Horatio heard Fields say who walked away after this announcement leaving the family to comfort the small child mrs Speedle was holding

"hum "He tried to get their attention. They both looked up.

"lt Caine"Mr Speelde nodded.

"Horatio please, i'm sorry this had to happen to you. And i want you to know that i will take care of this."

Mr Speedle nodded "thank you sir "

Suddenly a car swerved on to the front lawn taking down part of the fence. The car came to a screeching halt. Before anyone could react a figure left the car and ran towards the door. Completely ignoring the crime scene tape the figure ran past Horatio and his team straight towards the Speedle family home. Eric tried to stop them but he was held back by and officer. "lemme go man. The..." and then Eric fell silent.

The little blond girl who had been sitting on mrs Speedle's lap with her face buried in her chest looked up at the nudge she gave her and as soon as she noticed the man running towards her, jumped up and yelled "DADDY, over here!! "

The figure adjusted his path but not his speed and soon the little girl was up in his arms.

Horatio watched the lone figure holding on to his little girl.

At the corner of his eyes he saw Calleigh brushing away a tear

"i didn't know that Speed was an uncle or something."Eric remarked.

Calleigh shrugged," maybe they baby sit, who knows."

" Lady and gentleman there is work to be done "Horatio called them back to attention and they proceeded towards the crime scene

_i'd like to say thank you for all of you who keep reviewing this story..your kind words keep me going and make this so much more funn than it already was._

_I few more chapters to go yet but i finally know how it will end_


	30. Chapter 30

30

"Calleigh" Horatio said frowning at his ballistics expert.

"Calleigh!"he repeated louder.

But she seemed completely focused on the man holding his daughter.

He grabbed her lightly by her shoulder and shook.

"Calleigh !!

She turned unfocussed eyes on her boss.

"H doesn't that man look just like Ryan? "

Horatio looked at the man still holding his child while he was being hugged by mr and mrs Speedle.

Behind him he heard a small gasp coming from Eric.

The brown hair, the monstrously colored orange and green sweater vest, the slender yet stocky build, their was no doubt about it was mr Wolfe.

_its short i know...i have the last few chapters already lined out. They need a bit of rewriting wich i will have time for this weekend_


	31. Chapter 31

"mr Wolfe"

Ryan didn't react and continued to strap his daughter in the car.

"Mr Wolfe"

Ryan said something to mr Speedle who was sitting in the front passenger seat.

"Ryan? "

This finally got his attention.

"yes H? "

"what is the meaning of this mr Wolfe? "

Ryan looked straight at his boss and his co workers who stood on both sites of Horatio.

Unconsciously his body tensed like it always did in potential dangerous situations.

"i'm taking my family home H"

"You have questions to answer mr Wolfe "

Ryan kept his eyes on them as he closed the passenger door and walked over to the driver side.

"maybe but definitely not now "

"what do...." Eric started to say but a glare and a well placed hand on his chest from Horatio stopped him.

" you're right mr Wolfe...tomorrow then...take them home "

Ryan didn't reply just got in the car and without looking back he drove the car away.

About five minutes later Ryan pulled the car over to the site of the road.

"why are we stopping daddy? "His daughter asked. "were not home yet"

"i know darling "he answered. "i just need to get some fresh air I'll be right back"

With shaking hands he tried to release himself from the seat belt....it took him five tries. When he heard the click it felt as a physical release.

He opened the door and ran away from the car towards a grassy hill on the site of the road and dropped down.

in the car the adults exchanged looks and Anton unbuckled his own seat belt and followed his, for all intense and purposes, son in law.


	32. Chapter 32

Ryan had pulled his knees up and had pressed his head in between.

As Anton came closer he saw that he was shaking and could hear his labored breathing.

When Tim first brought home Ryan Anton hadn't been to thrilled. It was not the fact that Ryan had been a man. They had know for ages that their son was gay.

And he had liked Ryan from the start. He just wished his son had found a less broken specimen to date and fall in love with.

His history read as a recipe for trouble and since Anton had been a public defender all his live he knew to well how man with a background like Ryan usually grew up to be.

But over the years he had come to realize that Ryan was not broken...a bit dented that's for sure but not broken. Not at all.

Carefully he lowered himself in the grass next to Ryan. Putting a hand on Ryan's back.

Ryan tensed even more for a moment and then Anton heard him whispering"i thought i lost you too....i thought i lost everything...nothing...."Ryan's breath hitched and Anton heard him heave " nothing...nothing left...all alone "

"are you going to be sick son? "

Ryan heaved again "probably "

Anton helped Ryan lean forward and kept a hand on Ryan's back and one of his forehead as Ryan threw up in the grass.

After a few minutes there was nothing left to expel and Ryan's body seemed to calm down.

Anton got a handkerchief out of his pocket and cleaned up Ryan's face which was covered in sweat and tears and maybe even a little snot.

Then he pulled Ryan against his site.

He had never taken such liberties with Ryan before who was usually stiff and standoff concerning physical contact. He respected Ryan's limitations but today he found he had a reason to disregard them.

After a while he felt Ryan relax against him.

"you haven't lost us Ry...you never will. We always be there for you..me, Edna, Ron and Sarah. You will never be alone."


End file.
